Bad Days

I've had all the tests.
They say I'm fine.

I am not fine.

My gut had holes
--has holes?

Food once familiar, now foreign
My body attacks
any traces that enter it.

A list of enemies
The full extent of which I am still learning
The list seems to keep growing

Please stop growing

Misread labels,
risky restaurants,
unknown triggers

Sometimes "may contain" is safe
Sometimes it's not

It wraps me up in ache
screws with my body
and messes with my mind

Coming to terms with something
that is chronic--
even if not permanent

(Dear God, please not permanent.)

I'm trying to repair the damage
Trying to convince my body
and mind
that food is not the enemy.

And so, in all this, I
sometimes
have bad days.

A coil of pain wraps itself around my chest
Slowly, repeatedly,
Until everything hurts, and it's hard to breath

And as long as I don't move--

A smoothie for supper.
Ginger for the nausea.
Hot water bottle,
comfy PJs.

I crawl into bed,
wait for it all to pass

wait for sleep.