Ammendment to Relationships

Okay, I think I want to add something to what I was talking about the other day on expectations in relationships. I had reflected upon the idea that we should engage with people in relationships not just for what they bring to the relationship, but for who they are in the relationship. Not focusing just on what needs we are expecting them to fulfill, but meeting them where they are at in the moment and focusing on the person.

And I haven't changed my mind.

The thing is, different relationships do fulfill different needs. The author of blog from which I drew my reflections commented that she started to "strip away the definitions of what I thought a friend, a mother, a sister, a brother, a father or a companion were supposed to mean, and see that people simply did the best they could. They did what they were emotionally and physically capable of doing. ...Something you think you should get from a friend… maybe that actually comes from your mom. Or a comfort you want to have from your mother, maybe a sibling steps up and fills that role."

I get this. Many times I have had something going on in my life, and the response from my friends has maybe been contrary to what I was expecting (both good and bad).

The author says her relationships are more fulfilling because she's "not expecting people to be something they’re not." I do believe this is quite important. If you expect something from someone, and they can't provide that, it's disappointing. So by shifting your perspective and meeting them where they're at, there is less room for disappointment, cuz you're not expecting them to meet the need that they just can't. You know that need will come from somewhere else.

But I do think there is a role for us to express our various needs to the people we are in relationships with while still meeting them where they're at. I think there is a difference between expectation and accountability. I should not place expectations on people and automatically ditch the relationship if those expectations aren't met. That's pretty superficial. I do think, however, that we can hold people accountable to their potential.

For example, if I have a friend that I regularly went to see movies with, let's say, and suddenly she's injured such that she is rendered blind, obviously the nature of our friendship changes. I shouldn't abandon the friendship just cuz she and I can't share that connection anymore. I need to shift my perspective to meet her where she's at and foster new activities together. However, if that friend who's injured starts behaving differently in response to her new disability--turning down requests to hang out; refusing help from others; isolating, etc.--I should be able to call her on that, and ask her to seek the assistance necessary to pull it together or it will impact our friendship. I can still meet her where she's at emotionally, but she also needs to know that meeting her where she's at without moving to where her potential lies will alter the relationship significantly. ...And I would expect this the other way around, too, if it were me.

That's not a completely out-to-lunch idea, is it?